December 26, 2009

This has been a slow blogging month, which bothers me a bit. But, between the end of the semester and getting ready for Christmas and whatnot, there just hasn’t been time.

I have several posts planned for the next few days, and hopefully I will get to all of them. At the moment, when I am writing, I am working on the revisions for Lonely Human Atoms. I want to start sending that around to agents/publishers at the end of the school year.

What I really wanted to say in this post other than that I have things coming down the pipe is that, until this year, I never fully appreciated the work parents put in at Christmas. Holy crap. Christmas was wonderful, but there was a lot more work and a lot less sleep than I had gotten used to. Thanks, mom & dad.

So, last night, Cate and I went to the worst wedding I have ever been to. Really, there was nothing about it to like. So, here is a list of 10 things you should/should not do if YOU are planning to get married and care at all about the comfort of your guests. (Note: I realize Cate and I just got married. We tried our best with all of this stuff. If you did not enjoy our wedding, we apologize.) (Second Note: If you know about this blog and are my friend and I have been to your wedding, I almost certainly had a good time, please do not be offended. I would not give you access to this if I thought your wedding was unpleasant.)

10. Don’t ask your guests to help set up for the reception. This is not a barbecue. It is a wedding.

9. You do not need six bridesmaids and six groomsman. No one is that close to that many people.

8. Be reasonable with your ceremony. I do not need to watch your grandparents and his grandparents and his step grandparents and your parents and his parents and his step parents plod slowly down the aisle at 1/4 of a mile per hour. This is unnecessary.

7. No friend or family member should perform music at your wedding unless they have been booked for a show at least half a dozen times prior to this day. I don’t care how sweet that song Johnny wrote is. No one wants to spend five minutes pretending to enjoy fumbly acoustic guitar and nasaly singing. (Note: I’ll make an exception for anyone under the age of 12 as long as the performance is three minutes or less.)

6. No DJs. This is what iPods are for. With a DJ, you get bad jokes, generic love songs, and the chicken dance. With an iPod, you get music you actually like and picked out. The time of the DJ is over. The age of the iPod has begun. If you want to go classy and spring for a band or string quartet, that’s awesome, but no DJ, I beg you.

5. No compulsory receiving line. We like you or are related to you. Otherwise, we would not be here. However, that does not mean we want to wait half an hour to shake your hand and congratulate you or failing to scare the other person off before now. No one else does either. (If you really want to have one, okay, but either don’t invite 240 people, or don’t have a converstion with everyone who passes through the line.)

4. No special perks at the ceremony/reception for the bridal party. We just drove an hour and a half to get here. Then, we sat through your 45 minutes ceremony. Then, we stood in the receiving line for half an hour. You are lounging with fruit and a chocolate fountain while pictures are taken. We are sitting here with weak tea and shitty lemonade (seriously, how do you fuck up lemonade?). That is rude.

3. No bouquet/garter toss. One, this is sexist. Two, this makes every single person at the wedding uncomfortable. Three, it’s really creepy when some guy puts a garter on some girl’s leg he has never meet before. Especially if he’s in his 20s and she’s 14. This happens. Put a stop to it.

2. Enough with God. Not all of us are religious. In fact, some of us feel really uncomfortable when asked to pray every 3.7 seconds. But you are religious (or your parents are and they’re footing the bill or whatever), and that’s okay. So you know what, don’t invite me to the ceremony. Just tell me to come to the reception. It’s cool, I don’t mind, and I get to miss out on a whole bunch of awkward God shit that I don’t care about anyway. Now, if you really love Jesus and really want me at the ceremony, that’s cool, just keep it reasonable. Like, a minute or two. I won’t be super happy, but I can deal with that. (Note, our justice of the peace brought the God stuff of her own volition. We were totally blindsided and apologize to anyone else who thought that was gross. We certainly did.)

1. Don’t skimp on the food. I mean come on, how hard is this? You have 240 people there. I realize it is expensive to feed them. I’m not asking for fillet minion, but you should be able to do better than instant mashed potatoes and pot roast that smells like you left it in the sun for a day and a half. If you can’t afford to feed 240 people better than that, invite fewer people.